The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing (and How to Stop It)

Meet Ethan

Ethan, by all things considered, is a highly successful professional in his field. He's charismatic, thoughtful, extraverted, a good listener, and just an all-around likeable person. Many people seem to take well to him when they meet. Ethan is also helpful and compassionate. He strongly dislikes seeing others struggle. Sometimes he feels responsible for helping them when he can. However, Ethan also has a hard time saying no at times. He feels that by saying no, other people will be mad at him, as if he wronged them. Ethan often feels guilt and discomfort when other people are mad at him. Even the thought of other people becoming mad is often enough to motivate Ethan to do things for them, without them having to ask. Ethan tends to play scenarios in his head thinking about all of the possible negative reactions a person may have if he were to say no and how to counteract them. Ethan has even tried saying no at times, but he is usually met with pushback, albeit gentle. He then, 9 times out of 10, decides to give other people what they want for fear of their disapproval.

One day, Ethan decides to finally tell other people no and stand firm. But in the moment, something happens both internally and externally. Internally, Ethan experiences this strong urge to overexplain and justify why he said no. His inner voice tells him, "If I can explain, maybe they will be more understanding." Ethan then goes into a drawn-out, long-winded explanation while looking for any indication that the other person finds it acceptable.

Externally, while Ethan explains, the other person grows visibly upset, as if they are having a temper tantrum. The other person has a hard time accepting Ethan's refusal. This person is so caught off guard they find it appalling. Their reaction appeared to communicate, "How dare he! Who does Ethan think he is?!" at least to Ethan. The person speaks and acts like Ethan is being unreasonable. Ethan then realizes, because of the other person's reaction, they've come to expect Ethan's cooperation, as though they are entitled to his help and time. This angers Ethan. He snaps at this person and walks away furiously thinking, "Why can't others respect me the way I respect them?" Ethan ruminates on all of the times he's shown up for others and laments the reality that no one has reciprocated in the same way.

The Cost of People Pleasing

What we see in the above scenario is a common experience for people who people please. Notice the emotional, behavioral, and social consequences Ethan experiences. Often, when we people please, we tend to consider the immediate emotional payoff. From this perspective, people pleasing works. Too often, however, the cost of people pleasing tends to manifest in the long term, sometimes after several repetitions. This makes it difficult to consider exactly how unhealthy people pleasing truly can be. Below, I describe the different costs of people pleasing that people tend to overlook.

1) You end up abandoning yourself

When we people please (especially when done repeatedly) we eventually disregard our own needs and wants. Take the scenario with Ethan for instance. Notice what he is primarily focused on. People pleasing demands so much attention and energy to other people's needs and well-being, that we end up not making room for ourselves. Behaviorally, we are essentially communicating that our needs, wants, and voice come last to ourselves, if at all. In short, we are treating ourselves as though we are inconsequential compared to others. As this continues uninterrupted, we even develop codependent or enmeshed relationships. This means that we lose our individuality because we tailor our mind, emotions, and behaviors to complement the needs and desires of someone entirely. It's as if we disappear from our own consideration. As a result, not only are others unable to take care of us, we are effectively unable to care for ourselves; leaving our wants and needs to go unmet.

2) You risk experiencing Extinction Bursts and reinforcing weak boundaries

Referring back to the scenario, when Ethan stood firm on his boundary, the other person immediately had a negative reaction. That reaction is an extinction burst. What happened is that the other person's behavior that has been conditioned to be acceptable is no longer rewarded. When this happens, the person experiences intense negative emotion which manifests behaviorally. When we people please, we are communicating through our behavior that:

• We do not have a firm boundary, or any at all

• We are so accommodating that other people will assume we are "ok with it" without having to ask because historically, we always were.

Since historically we never had an issue with accommodating, other people will naturally push back. When we people please, we are unintentionally setting the expectation that we will accommodate with no protest. It's like we are telling everyone "I have no valid reason to turn down your request." When you do, it becomes an issue, sometimes with intense conflict. Due to people pleasing becoming a default behavior, we give in to the extinction burst. When this happens, we have just communicated that our boundary is "all bark and no bite". What is now reinforced to others, even unconsciously, is that all they have to do is push back hard enough and we'll cave. This fortifies their expectations and the dynamic that the relationship is built on. Next time, when we try to set boundaries, they'll know to bark a little harder than us.

3) You become resentful and overcorrect

Taking a look at Ethan's response, notice how he thought to himself, "Why can't others respect me the way I respect them?" For many of us who do people please, we also risk creating the perception that because we do acts of kindness for others, we hope that they will eventually reciprocate. However, similar to Ethan's experience, people pleasing does not reliably accomplish that. In many cases, the issue becomes that others aren't taking care of us in a similar manner as we are taking care of them. Essentially, our own behaviors created a standard for kindness, thoughtfulness, and compassion that has risen to a level that others either cannot or will not meet.

As we come to this realization, we become angry and resentful. We begin to feel taken for granted, and taken advantage of. The resentment may sound like "people do not deserve me." We may also begin to consider disregarding other people's needs entirely, treating them as we felt we are being treated, like their needs do not matter. Similar to Ethan, we may lash out in a fit of anger from feeling "fed up" with being mistreated. For some, when this happens, we may feel it is necessary to be rigid and inflexible with our boundaries regardless of the person, place, or circumstance for protection. This is done to avoid the possibility of anyone ever taking advantage of our kindness. As a result, the people in our lives who are deserving of that kindness, receive the shell that was left over. Thus, the quality of our relationships stagnates, and in some cases, diminishes.

How to Stop People Pleasing

I like to conceptualize stopping people pleasing with a metaphor. In many of us, there is a lion in a cage. Just like a lion in real life, it needs to be fed regularly to be satisfied and survive. When we people please, it's like we stop feeding the lion what it needs for nourishment. For us, like Ethan, that nourishment is our wants and needs. When that lion in us goes long enough without food, it'll become ferocious, break out of its cage, and attack anything just to get fed. In order to stop people pleasing, we have to feed the lion what it needs consistently.

Luckily, similar to what I've mentioned in my previous article, what is learned can be unlearned. Below are two effective tools to use to stop people pleasing (feed the lion):

1) Giving yourself permission to put your needs/wants first

Many of us are so accustomed to people pleasing that the idea of putting ourselves first actually triggers anxiety. Some feel a strong sense of guilt because, from their perspective, they are doing wrong to others, as if they have committed sin itself. Others feel fear of disappointing people or not wanting others to get mad at them. As such, we learn through experience not to give ourselves permission, let alone consider it as an option.

In order to successfully give yourself permission, it requires something simple to practice, but powerful. It requires reciting a mantra. That mantra is "I have the right to put my needs and wants first." Now, I'd be lying to you if I told you I always believed in mantras. I did not. In fact, I initially saw no use for them. However, it was my own clinical experience that revealed to me how impactful it is when used correctly. In this context, mantras are specifically used as an aid to remind ourselves of a truth that exists, that we have access to it, and that we can employ at any time. Functionally, this mantra will act as an alarm or a calendar reminder. The reminder is that at any time, you can choose yourself. It's recognizing that you have another option available to you; that you're not beholden to fulfill anyone's request no matter how much they push back. This mantra is essentially an awareness tool, designed to remind you two things: you have more than one option to choose from and that what you want/need matters too.

An additional benefit to this mantra is the awareness that you do not have to wait for others to meet your needs; you can meet them yourself, with or without their permission.

2) Reframe your perception of boundaries

To many people pleasers, boundaries feel forbidden, almost a taboo. Boundaries at first can feel mean, rude, dismissive, inconsiderate, selfish, the list goes on. In many cases, boundaries are seen and treated as a catalyst to conflict, leading a person to personalize the argument. In addition, boundaries are treated as mechanisms to influence a person's behavior; get them to give us what we need.

I want to offer a different perspective on boundaries. Boundaries are not for others to acknowledge or respect. They are for us to acknowledge and respect. When we uphold our boundaries, we communicate what line should not and cannot be crossed. Respecting our boundaries means that we are not allowing certain behaviors to continue nor are we allowing ourselves to be subjected to things we don't want. Notice this reframe. From this perspective, two things are happening. First, the foundation of our boundaries is sturdier as the primary function has transformed into aligning ourselves with what we truly want, not to influence someone's behavior. This is because, now, our boundaries exist regardless if other people respect them. The second is our focus largely shifts to what we need. Focusing on what we need is not the same thing as doing wrong to someone else.

In an interesting way, this reframe also gives us permission to take care of ourselves first. Additionally, it leads to a chain of reframes. Since we are taking care of ourselves, it begs the question if we are truly being selfish and inconsiderate. It also asks how is it wrong to make sure we get what we need first, and how much do our needs matter to the other person if they are mad we chose ourselves. By reframing our perception, we begin to view boundaries as a tool for our well-being and not a punishment to others.

Final Thoughts

While the purpose of people pleasing is to quell anxiety oftentimes (and it does work in this sense), it has a high cost. Over time, people pleasing negatively affects our relationship to ourselves and others. People pleasing may serve us in the moment, but we end up neglecting ourselves; disconnected from what we value. The more we look to others for approval and validation, the less we look inward to take care of ourselves. Sure, we may even successfully get others' approval through people pleasing. However, it's important to ask yourself, "If seeking approval from others means abandoning yourself in the process, is it worth it?"