How to Stop Negative Self-Talk & Improve Self Esteem: 3 Strategies that Actually Work

What is Negative Self-Talk?

The academic definition is any critical, pessimistic, or self-defeating inner dialogue you have with yourself. Put simply, Negative Self-Talk consists of statements you make about yourself that suggest you are not good enough, worthy enough, or deserving. Negative Self-Talk often sounds like the following:

• "I'm not good enough"

• "I'm stupid"

• "I'm a bad person/It's my fault this is happening"

• "I'm always in the wrong/I can never get it right"

• "I'm not lovable"

• "I'm not worthy of respect"

Notice how in each of the above examples, the statements sound definitive. It is essentially saying "this is who I am", as if you are irredeemable at a fundamental level. Often, Negative Self-Talk sounds and feels like statements that are undeniably true. This makes them hard to "just get rid of them" because it has been repeated so much over a long period of time that these thoughts stop feeling like opinions and start feeling like facts. In other words, Negative Self-Talk transforms into a core belief. Thinking differently will not be enough to change these thought patterns.

The impact of Negative Self-Talk

Negative Self-Talk often has a tremendous impact on our mood, confidence, behaviors, and relationships. For example, a person can become depressed or exacerbate depression because of the thought "I'm not lovable". The person who repeatedly has this conversation to themselves begins to believe they are not, which lowers their mood and motivation. Since their mood and motivation has declined, they are less likely to engage in meaningful activities. Many people tend to experience this as "I don't feel like it". They end up isolating themself and withdrawing from fun activities, connecting with loved ones, or being productive. The withdrawal and isolation reinforces lower mood since they are not engaged in anything meaningful, so nothing changes. They eventually reexperience Negative Self-Talk because the lack of engagement maintains the status quo, that being "I'm not lovable". From this person's perspective, they still are not lovable because they are not experiencing anything that dispels this belief. The cycle repeats.

Ironically, in some cases, many people believe Negative Self-Talk helps them improve (like when a person thinks "If I do X, then I'm a failure. Therefore, I must not do X"). They may think that being hard on themselves will motivate them to do better, avoid mistakes, or prevent rejection. In the short-term, it actually achieves just that. However, it often comes at the cost of confidence, self-esteem, and emotional well-being (stress and constant pressure to perform) in the long-term.

Negative Self-Talk often has a profound impact on a person's sense of self and quality of life. It's like the saying "The tongue has the power of life and death". What we speak, when repeated enough, shapes how we see ourselves, how we feel, and how we behave, ultimately leading to how we perceive our reality.

How do we learn Negative Self-Talk

Negative Self-Talk is often learned through specific, often negative experiences. These experiences include:

• Family messages

• Criticism

• Bullying

• Social comparison

• Repeated failures or setbacks

• Traumatic experiences

Over time, these experiences can shape what psychologists call schemas, which are mental frameworks where deeply held beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world around us exist. When a person repeatedly receives messages that they are inadequate, unlovable, or unworthy, they begin to internalize those messages as truth.

Schemas influence how we end up interpreting future experiences since they function like shortcuts in our brain; information we can quickly access to make a judgment about our current experience. For this reason, it becomes easier to notice information that confirms the schema, while overlooking evidence that disputes it. The schema is then reinforced and prolonged, outliving the experience that created it in the first place.

How to stop Negative Self-Talk and improve Self-Esteem

The good news is that since Negative Self-Talk is learned, it can be unlearned. The following three strategies can help you develop a healthier relationship with yourself and improve your self-esteem over time.

Strategy #1: Commit to Your Values

In my previous article, I discussed how values are ongoing, long term pursuits, not destinations. Values typically are best defined as the person you want to be and the life you want to live. For this article, however, focus on being the person you want to be. This will be your guide in determining how to show up at your discretion.

You first consider the value you want to commit to. Define what that value will look like in practice. This is the part where you are precise in the definition. Think of it as a GPS. It cannot tell you exactly how to get to your destination without plugging in the complete address. It will also be helpful to narrow it down to the simplest concrete action you can take, if necessary. Now that you've precisely defined what the value will look like, it is time to commit and follow through.

For example, let's say you value being a good parent. This is a good start. But what does being a good parent mean to you? It could mean being present, teaching, guiding, supporting, firm but fair discipline, or nurturing depending on your circumstances. Great, but let's dig a little deeper. We'll look at being present. Being present can mean being more available. To be more available, you might identify that you can refine your schedule, purposefully block out time to eat dinner with them nightly, minimize distractions when you're with them, practice active listening, read to them daily, or schedule play time with

them weekly.

Since you have now clearly defined what being a good parent looks like in practice, you have developed a reliable and concrete guide for action. Practicing this consistently provides real-life experiences that challenge Negative Self-Talk over time. As your experiences continue to challenge Negative Self-Talk, you'll notice that your self-esteem improves as a natural consequence. This is because there's evidence that you've repeatedly behaved in alignment with your values; being a good parent. Essentially, it will increasingly become difficult to believe your Negative Self-Talk is true when you have a track record that proves otherwise. Additionally, self-esteem improves because you're consistently being the person you want to be.

Strategy #2: Building Confidence through Mastery

In a clinical context, mastery refers to competency or accomplishment in something meaningful. Here, mastery is not necessarily limited to accomplishing large goals. In fact, it is often the case that an accumulation of accomplishing small goals builds confidence; especially when it requires doing something difficult. The build-up of accomplishing small goals (that eventually will lead to acomplishing a larger goal) is evidence that demonstrates what you are capable of.

To attain mastery, you would first need to identify the end goal. From there, you map out a series of steps (small goals); starting from the last step and working backwards all the way to the first step. This process helps in identifying the exact steps that need to be accomplished. When we construct a plan from the end to the beginning, it is often easier to filter for what is necessary. This is because there are only a few actions that directly lead to the next step.

For example, let's say your end goal is to have a private practice in psychotherapy. For context, you are a college freshman. In order to have a private practice, you'd have to obtain the correct license. To get this license, you'd have to have another license plus a certain number of clinical hours with a certain amount of years practiced, which means you'll need a specific job to get those hours. To be hired for this job, you'll need the respective license. In order to get this license, you'd have to pass the corresponding exam. To qualify for the exam, you'd have to graduate grad school. To get into grad school, you need to graduate undergrad with specific grades. To graduate undergrad, you have to meet all graduation requirements. That includes taking the correct classes, attending class consistently, organizing your schedule to complete homework assignments on time, studying, etc.

The above paragraph is a demonstration of how this process applies to a long-term goal. However, this approach has a universal application. It can also be applied to a shorter-term, everyday goal such as preparing for a marathon, or an upcoming intramural game. The idea really is to identify small steps and complete each of them one by one to accomplish the overarching goal. The act of completing smaller steps is an accomplishment (mastery) in itself (note the above example). As we complete each step, confidence is built and then strengthened. The sense of progress makes us feel (and see) that the forward momentum is a direct result of our own actions. This then transforms into proof that we are competent and capable of accomplishing goals that are meaningful to us. As a result, the confidence built dispels Negative Self-Talk. To put it simply, mastery improves self-esteem because each accomplishment is saying "Yes, you can".

Strategy #3: Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Negative Self-Talk can manifest in many different thoughts known as cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are essentially automatic negative thoughts that make us perceive reality inaccurately. In the examples I outlined earlier in this article, those thoughts are examples of said distortions, which include:

• Labeling: Defining who you are based on a mistake or wrong decision you've made.

• Personalization: Blaming yourself for the entire situation that was not in your control either partially or completely.

• Overgeneralizations: Taking one negative event or action and treating it as an absolute.

Notice in each example the thoughts are broad sweeping conclusions.

The most effective way to challenge Negative Self-Talk is to use the method known as Socratic Questioning. This method requires us to pause and ask a series of questions designed to look for evidence that supports or refutes Negative Self-Talk. After challenging these thoughts, and finding evidence that refutes them, we are left with seeing that the thought does not align with our lived experience. As a result, we begin to see what actually matches our lived experience more accurately. This becomes the new thought, lowering the volume of the Negative Self-Talk. The goal of this exercise is not to simply replace our thoughts, but to retrain our brain into thought patterns that are flexible and evidenced based.

For example, you receive criticism from your supervisor about your recent performance. You may immediately think "I'm not enough at this job". Using Socratic Questioning, you would ask "What does it mean to be good enough at this job?", "Have I ever met this standard? When and how often?", "If I met this standard X amount of times, how can my recent performance be enough to say I'm not good enough at this job?". Through answering each question, you may notice that this recent performance does not erase past successes. Therefore, one misstep cannot justify the conclusion that you're not good enough. The most flexible and accurate conclusion may be "I can make mistakes and still be good enough. One mistake doesn't define my competence".

At first, it may not seem that the Negative Self-Talk is eliminated. This is because the Negative Self-Talk is something that has been practiced over an extended period of time. Your brain was trained to operate in this manner. However, with practice over time, you will begin to notice the presence of your Negative Self-Talk waning, both in intensity and frequency. While this is happening, your thoughts transition from negative, highly critical, and definitive to compassionate, forgiving, and flexible. Essentially, by challenging the Negative Self-Talk, you retrain your mind to change how you perceive yourself. Self-esteem improves because you are seeing yourself more accurately.

Final Thoughts

Negative Self-Talk is something that is learned over time, usually being born from negative experiences such as trauma. Negative Self-Talk then begins to shape how we preceive ourselves which negatively impacts mood and behavior, lowering self-esteem. It can become so strong, that we treat it as truth. These 3 strategies are highly effective approaches specifically designed to improve self-esteem. It doesn't teach us to "think more positively", it teaches us to create experiences that challenge Negative Self-Talk on demand; whether that be through values work, mastery, or perception. Experiences function as evidence of what we believe to be true. Since it is experience that created the Negative Self-Talk, it will be experience that will correct it.