How to Stop Overthinking: Why Your Mind Won't Let Go (and What Actually Works)

Meet Sam

Sam had an upcoming presentation at work. For Sam, however, this just wasn't any presentation. This presentation was considered "high stakes" since a chief officer was present in the room. In Sam's view, his presentation had a lot of weight to it because he believed that his performance could grant him a promotion at work. To Sam, the promotion was significant not only because of the prestige but because of the financial security it'll offer for him to provide for his family. So Sam, in an effort to get the promotion, worked diligently on his project. He spent hours upon hours double, triple, even quadruple-checking his work. Every sentence and bullet point seemed to not have the right answer. He spent hours revising one part in particular, looking for the right diction and syntax because he wanted to sound confident and professional. However, no matter how many revisions, it just wasn't "it." Sam eventually felt mentally exhausted and drained after spending hours late into the night preparing his project. He felt nervous, uncertain, tense, and not confident in the finished product. Unfortunately, from his perspective, he had to call it a night so he could get enough rest for the following day.

The next day, Sam woke up feeling restless. He did not get high-quality sleep due to the stress he felt regarding his presentation. From the time he woke up, all he could think about was how to ensure his performance was optimal. Sam continuously thought about how to frame sentences in the perfect way, down to the exact word. To Sam, certain terms wouldn't do; it had to be the right terminology that would resonate with the chief officer and showcase his competency. When it came time to present, Sam noticed he was highly self-aware, noticing each word and carefully constructing his words and sentences. Sam caught himself thinking, "Argh! I sound stupid," "No, this doesn't sound right," and "What was that word again?" As the presentation went on, Sam had trouble articulating himself and stammered, not because he didn't know what to say, but because he was unsure how to say it the "right" way.

Once finished, Sam walked away feeling incompetent, defeated, and even thought he ruined his chances of getting promoted. Sam spent 2 to 3 hours ruminating and analyzing "where he went wrong" and "what could he have done better." Sam continued thinking to himself, "Man, if I would've just said this or that. Why didn't I say that? What was I thinking? What prevented me from doing my best? What if I missed the mark and didn't get the promotion? The chief officer didn't look impressed, but maybe he might overlook some parts."

Does this sound familiar?

What Overthinking Is and Why Do We Do It

Similar to Sam, overthinking is a behavior where the function is to achieve a desired goal, at least that is the intent on the surface. People who overthink are searching for an answer. To this person, they think that if they can achieve the desired goal, gain certainty, or be prepared for every outcome they can imagine, then they'll move closer towards what they value.

For many like Sam, we believe that we are solving a problem in an effort to progress. However, let's take a closer look at Sam. Notice what the core of his thinking is. The underlying voice is, "If I can present well, I'll get the promotion, and then I don't have to worry about my family being financially insecure." In reality, the actual function of overthinking is to avoid the feared outcome, the outcome perceived to be the worst possible one. People who overthink, like Sam, intend that by constantly going over events and circumstances with a fine-tooth comb, they will find the answer they need to avoid the feared outcome. In many ways, overthinking is actually a coping mechanism, often a means to quell anxiety and worry. In other words, overthinking is our mind intending to help us. Overthinking is also a method to find the correct answer, that being the answer that guarantees avoidance. We believe that by gaining certainty, we'll avoid the feared outcome.

Why Overthinking Doesn't Work

The Prerequisite to the Correct Answer is Often Experience

One of the main reasons why overthinking will not work is because it is difficult, nearly impossible, to ascertain the correct answer before experiencing the correct answer. Here's what I mean. In many cases, to know that something is correct with certainty, it would require us to have experienced it first. Without previous experience, all we have is an idea that isn't proven. At best, the idea is logical and could be correct. However, there is still no guarantee that it is. Without prior experience, ideas mean that there is a possibility that another answer that sounds plausible may also be correct. Being that there is no way to prove it without evidence, we become stuck, which many will refer to as analysis paralysis.

Without assurance that the answer is correct, there is room for doubt. Operating from a place of avoidance in this context motivates us to eliminate all doubt because that's where certainty lies and relief begins. Thus, we are stuck in a loop. Most of the knowledge we have is a consequence of experience. We start out knowing nothing. As we grow and mature, we gradually gain more experience. With the experience, we become more certain of what is and what isn't correct. In life, many of the answers we seek are not revealed to us until after we act. For this reason, overthinking can never truly help us obtain the certainty to avoid the feared outcome that we are looking for.

It Creates Pressure That Leads to Avoidance

Interestingly, although overthinking is meant to be a method aimed at increasing the chances of success, it often has the opposite effect. Another reason why overthinking will not work is because overthinking creates pressure that drives us towards avoidance. When the mind is under pressure, stress tends to create gaps in knowledge (like forgetfulness) and blind spots in perception. Here, we might forget or overlook pertinent information needed to achieve the desired outcome. This pressure, and subsequent consequences, happens because the mind is excessively preoccupied with figuring out how to avoid the feared outcome. It creates a sense of urgency. It's almost like when a character in a movie is running away from the monster but is continuously looking back to make sure they are getting away from it. Sure, the character may very well be avoiding the monster because they have made sure of it, but in doing so, they are unable to look forward to see any upcoming obstacles or opportunities to escape to safety, which is what they ultimately value.

How to Stop Overthinking

Be Willing to Accept What You Aim to Avoid

For clarification, acceptance does not mean the feared outcome is okay. In this context, acceptance means the willingness to allow the feared outcome to be a possibility. At first glance, this feels counterintuitive, especially considering that acceptance feels like we'd be choosing to increase the likelihood of experiencing the feared outcome. Go forward anyway. By allowing yourself to experience the possibility of the feared outcome, it accomplishes 2 things. The first is that you get to see in real time if you would actually experience it and, more importantly, if you do, how bad it actually is. The second is that you'll be able to see your ability to tolerate and navigate it if it does happen, thus providing evidence of what you're capable of.

Why This Works

This is an effective practice for a simple reason: it creates an experience that dispels the belief or need that overthinking is necessary while relieving undue pressure. In my previous article, I discussed how experience is an effective tool to correct beliefs that were created by experience. By being willing to accept the feared outcome, you can experience any of the following:

1. If you allow the possibility of the feared outcome to happen, and then it doesn't, what does that teach you? Most likely, you'd learn that you cannot always accurately predict what will happen. You might also learn to question: since you cannot predict what will happen, is it productive, or even healthy, to overthink?

   
   

2. Let's say you did experience the feared outcome and it's not as bad as you thought it would be. In fact, you performed better than you had anticipated. What would that teach you? Perhaps you'd learn that feeling like the outcome would be bad or intolerable, doesn't mean it will be. You could also learn that you are more capable than you had initially thought. Considering this outcome, it strongly suggests that certainty is not a prerequisite to act effectively.

   
   

3. What if the feared outcome did happen and it truly felt insurmountable? You may notice that it is difficult to experience and to get through. At times, it might even feel unbearable, and yet not permanent. Look at what this teaches you. You learned that what you fear can be survivable. This also builds confidence. Why? Essentially, because you have experienced that even when faced by your fears, you are resilient; you are capable of overcoming hardship.

Once you experience any or all of these scenarios, it leaves one question to be answered: How necessary or helpful is overthinking if your experiences show you that it may not be what you think it is and that you are capable and resilient enough to transcend hardship?

When practicing acceptance, we become relieved of pressure because we can let go. We no longer have to be excessively preoccupied with avoiding. Since we are freed up psychologically, we now have the capacity to focus on what truly matters: our values.

Turn Your Attention Towards Attainment, Not Avoidance

With this newfound freedom, we can focus our attention on attainment. While the function of avoidance is to decrease or eliminate the possibility of the feared outcome, attainment orients towards what matters. Essentially, attainment asks, "What do I value, and what actions move me towards it?" Here, our values will be used as a guide in determining how to act effectively instead of our overthinking.

To use values as a guide appropriately, there is a sequence that must be followed:

• Identify what matters in the specific context.

• Determine what behavior moves you towards your values.

• Once the behavior is determined and you are willing to accept potentially experiencing what you fear, commit.

I've covered how to use values as a guide more in depth here.

Final Thoughts

Experiences are powerful because they are significantly difficult to dispute. We cannot unsee what we saw. If you never experienced that you can fare well when facing your fears, what incentive is there to stop overthinking? In that scenario, you have little reason to trust that you can proceed effectively without overthinking. Certainty is not necessary to decide how to act. The willingness to accept is. You do not always need to know the correct answer; you just need to trust you can figure it out.