Feeling Like You Don't Matter: How It Affects You and What to Do Instead

What Happens When You Feel You Don't Matter

In short, when someone feels or believes they do not matter, they act like it. These actions can be observed in how a person relates to others, their perception and judgment of themselves, whether or not they feel they are likable or lovable, the kind of treatment they accept, if they like themselves, prioritizing others' needs over themselves, and the list goes on. When we believe that we don't matter, we may assume that others view us the same way. We project our self-image onto others, perceiving that they see us the way we see ourselves. Then, when we experience their ambiguous behavior, we feel anger and resentment, leading us to act defensively, with hostility, or aggressively. We may also seek approval and validation because there is a deep emotional need: to feel valued. This is sought externally because we do not believe we can access it from within ourselves. People who feel like they don't matter tend to accept and "light up" when they receive any attention because they receive it as "You noticed me. I'm important enough to be noticed." In many instances, they accept any relationship that comes their way because, in their mind, they believe they cannot and do not deserve better or that "better" is not meant for them.

A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

The unfortunate reality is that believing you don't matter often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, when a person doesn't feel that they matter, they tend to accept relationships indiscriminately because of the deep yearning to matter. However, because this deep yearning is the motivator, they neglect their own needs by prioritizing their partners' needs or accepting poor behavior in an effort to keep the relationship. To them, keeping the relationship is an attempt to fulfill that need, even at their expense. However, they eventually feel neglected and unimportant to their partner. As a result, the experience confirms their belief that they don't matter.

Another self-fulfilling prophecy happens when a person has the need to be heard. To them, being heard and understood is paramount. It is of such high importance that they will stay in heated arguments, regardless of escalation, to force others to hear them. For them, the function of being forceful is to avoid being dismissed or feeling unimportant. However, the reality is that when a person experiences heightened emotional arousal, they tend to be less receptive even when presented with sound reasoning. As a result, they reject, turn against, and dismiss what is being communicated. The more others turn against them, the harder they push to be heard and understood until others decide to distance themselves, sometimes indefinitely. This leads to intense anger, resentment, and a confirmation that they do not matter.

Mental Health Implications

When a person treats themself like they don't matter, they activate or exacerbate depression, anxiety, and intense and uncontrollable anger. This often creates a sinister cycle that seemingly never ends.

The cycle typically looks like this:

• I believe I don't matter

• I accept relationships indiscriminately, force myself to be heard, people please, or maintain relationships that aren't for me

• I actively engage in said behaviors hoping to receive confirmation I do matter while feeling heightened anxiety

• Others neglect my needs, take advantage of me, distance themselves, or abandon me

• I feel worthless, I feel intense sadness, I feel grief, I don't have much value, I'm not important, I'm not loved, I'm not respected, I feel enraged and resentful

The cycle then repeats. Once the cycle repeats, it can cause hopelessness and despair. This is because this person is constantly gathering evidence that they can never have the relationships and life they want. To them, the happiness, fulfillment, and connection they yearn for aren't meant for them. This can create deeper, more intense anxiety, depression, and uncontrollable anger, eventually leading to behaviors that create consequences that are irreparable.

What To Do Instead

You Matter, Treat Yourself Like It

The truth is, you've always mattered, even when it doesn't feel like it. As mentioned above, believing you do not matter often leads to seeking external validation and primarily relying on it. This comes with a significant trade-off: agency. When relying heavily on external validation, you are essentially basing your worth on something you cannot control: someone else's standards. Eventually, the volume of your voice is replaced by someone else's.

The good news is that this doesn't have to be forever. The brain is malleable. Just as you learned to disregard your own voice, you can learn to give it the weight it deserves:

1) Treat Yourself Like You're The Person You Love The Most

Think of the person you love or value most in your life. Consider what you would tell them or do for them when they are in need of support. Whatever that answer is, apply it to yourself. Consistently.

2) Exercise Boundaries

Boundaries are for you to respect. When you set a boundary, you are saying to yourself, "I'm not willing to subject myself to this" or "This isn't for me." Ask yourself: "Am I willing to accept this?" Then, respect your answer.

3) Include Yourself When Making Decisions

Similar to exercising boundaries, you are essentially consulting yourself. When others make a request, before you grant it, ask yourself: "What do I want?" "Is this best for me?" "How does this help or hurt me?" Then decide. Your needs are important too.

4) Know When To Put Yourself First

There are some circumstances where neglecting your needs can be a great detriment to your mental health, safety, livelihood, etc. You have the right to prioritize what is in your best interest when doing the opposite compromises you.